


Lots Of Knobs

by ElenaCee



Series: Devil's Trap [32]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23376106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElenaCee/pseuds/ElenaCee
Summary: Earth is becoming home to more and more Celestials. Meanwhile, Chloe Decker-Morningstar adjusts to her life as part of God's family.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, Ella Lopez/OC (implied)
Series: Devil's Trap [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/663677
Comments: 45
Kudos: 292





	Lots Of Knobs

**Author's Note:**

> In these strange times, allow me to contribute a slice of normalcy, or at least what currently constitutes normalcy in my little 'verse. As always, thanks so much to all my lovely readers, commenters, and kudo-givers. I hope you like this newest offering.
> 
> Warning: Fluff.

Chloe stretched, raising her arms above her head and pushing the backrest of her desk chair back and down as far as it would go, yawning but at least trying to be quiet about it, while around her, the bullpen hummed with quiet activity.

Seated across from her and playing with her stapler, her partner, who was also her civilian consultant, her husband, and the Devil, still noticed her yawn. Of course he did. When it came to her, there was not much he missed. “Bored?”

She let the backrest move back up again and resumed an at least superficially worklike pose. “Whatever gave you that idea?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Lucifer gave her a mock thoughtful glance, finger at his lips and eyes swiveling upwards. “Maybe the fact that there hasn’t been a single murder committed within the purview of the LADP in four days has something to do with it.”

She snatched the stapler out of his hand before he could tack together the really important documents on her desk.

Grinning, he pulled his phone out of his suit jacket instead, never satisfied unless he was fidgeting with something. Honestly. She was going to get him one of those fidget spinners one of these days. On second thought, maybe not. He’s probably turn it into a sex toy.

And that was where her thoughts definitely were  _ not  _ going, dammit.

She forced her mind back on track. “We’ve had one whole murder investigation this month. One. In words, one. And that was a crime of passion, solved in two seconds.” She sighed. “I never thought I’d say this, but this lack of criminal energy is starting to wear on my nerves.”

“Can’t have that, obviously.” He allowed his grin to enter Devil territory as he side-eyed the door to the file cabinet. “Care for some extra-curricular and highly inappropriate activity in there, my Consort? For a good cause? To alleviate your boredom?”

She ignored that suggestion with the ease of practice. Not because she didn’t want to. She would never not want him. It was the principle of the thing. “Who’d’ve thought that all it would take to turn this city into a virtually crime-free zone would be physical proof of the divine in the form of God?” she asked the universe at large.

“Indeed,” Lucifer concurred, apparently letting go of his nascent plans with no regrets. And why wouldn’t he? He could be certain that there would be plenty of said activity for the two of them later on, where it would be less inappropriate. “I’ve been walking the earth for millennia, and all the while, humans kept sinning. If anything, they sinned  _ more. _ Then one day, Dear Old Dad decides to turn earth into a seasonal vacation home, and all of a sudden, humanity is too scared of His wrath to commit crimes.” His expression turned tragic. “If I didn’t have such a strong, resistant ego… I mean.”

Chloe smiled, amused. “I don’t think that was it. You going public as the Devil with the LAPD may have had something to do with it as well.”

He put his head to one side as he considered that. “I’ve been ‘going public’ whenever I was topside,” he objected.

“But this time, people believed you.”

More consideration, this time with his head inclined the other way. “Maybe. But Dad living down here certainly contributed.”

Oh yes. God. Down here. “The contract for the property has been signed, then?”

“Apparently so. We’re all looking forward to seeing how this’ll turn out.”

Chloe smiled some more. Her father-in-law, who also happened to be Our Heavenly Father, deciding to buy a large piece of real estate near LA, with a sprawling if slightly crumbling but still stately building on it, had kept the local news busy for several weeks as the previous owners were first identified, then led to the realization that their potential buyer was indeed God, as in God, and finally persuaded that doing business with God was a), possible, b), lucrative, and c), wouldn’t result in instant madness unless they allowed it to.

It has certainly been an interesting few weeks on her family side. Pity the same couldn’t be said for her professional one.

“So,” she said, “when’s the house-warming party? I assume it’ll only take a few minor miracles to make the place habitable.”

“No idea. Mike thinks that Dad may decide to try His hand at bricklaying and carpentry.” He snorted. “If anything, it’ll keep Him busy for a while.”

Chloe shook her head. God living on earth, in a home with a postal address and GPS coordinates, would have all sorts of consequences that she was pretty sure none of the Celestials could foresee. Well, maybe except for God Himself, who was all-knowing, but who probably didn’t care. At the very least, the place would sooner or later turn into a place of pilgrimage. Which, on second thoughts, would probably make up for the undiminished influx of Satanists coming to LA to meet Satan.

But what if other countries decided they also wanted a piece of God? What about the Vatican deciding that God should live in Rome? How would other religious communities react?

Which brought her to… “I’ve never asked you, Luce, but if you guys exist --”

“Which we clearly do,” Lucifer interjected, giving her his best I-am-the-Devil grin.

“-- What about other deities? I mean, in our dimension. Like Jupiter. Odin. Ra. You know.”

He grinned. “Funny story, actually. You see, in former times, way before humans started to believe in Him, Dad wasn’t quite so averse to walking the earth, so --”

This time, he was interrupted, by the force of nature called Ella Lopez, who blew in and straight at them before he could finish his sentence. “Goood morning, Your Majesties, I hope you had a great one! I certainly did!” She peered at Chloe’s face and went on before Chloe could open her mouth. “Aww, still no new case, huh? Tough luck for you, good luck for any potential vic who didn’t get their ticket punched after all! Whoever it is gets to live at least another day, and so do all of us, and isn’t life great?”

She probably would have gone on like that for a while longer if Chloe hadn’t interrupted her. “‘Your Majesties’, Ella? That’s unusual.”

Ella’s sunshiny face continued to shine. “Well, Lucifer’s the King of Hell, right, so therefore, now that you’re married, you’re its Queen, Chlo’. It’s only proper to address you by your title.”

“I’ve abdicated,” Lucifer put in. “Hell runs itself. It is now an Anarchy. No more Monarchy. I’ve taken the ‘mon’ with me and left them with an ‘an’ down there.” He grinned, proud of his witticism. “I am, however, technically still an Archangel, and a lord, if you wish to insist on titles.”

“Which makes Chloe a lady, then,” Ella went on without missing a beat. She sketched a curtsy. ‘My Lady. My Lord.”

Chloe giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. Ella couldn’t know, but she was inadvertently getting close to guessing one of her favorite bedroom pet names for Lucifer.

Lucifer’s grin morphed into an expression of delight. “Methinks someone sampled the carnal pleasures last night. Am I right, Miss Lopez?”

Ella blushed but continued to smile. “‘Sampled’ is putting it very mildly, Your Lordship. I indulged to excess. I am positively bloated on pleasure. If sex had calories, I’d’ve gained ten pounds.”

“Well, good for you, Miss Lopez. And, I assume, for my little brother.”

Ella’s blush deepened, which Chloe saw as sufficient encouragement to get up and fold her friend into a hug. She was happy for her, and for Sachiel, too. Those two would be so good for each other.

“That, uh, wasn’t the first time, though, right?” she asked when she let go.

Ella smiled a, for her, coy smile. “Actually, it was. Some issues needed working through first. You know. Something about former lovers and murderous sons. Linda worked wonders.” Before anyone’s mood could be damped by that, least of all hers, she brightened. “I swear, Angels do nothing by halves. Not the brooding, not the self-pity, but also not the sex or the showering with affection.”

Chloe gently elbowed her own Angel, who absolutely was Exhibit A in the case Ella had just made, which earned her a look of studious incomprehension.

Ella caught the exchange. “Oh yeah, that’s right. Who am I telling this, right, Decker?”

“Well, truth be told, mine has eased off a bit on the brooding and the self-pity.”

Lucifer promptly shrouded himself in a cloak of disapproval, proving that he didn’t do offense halfway, either. “I’ll have you know that I am standing right here.”

He looked on in genuine confusion as Chloe and Ella started to giggle.

* * *

“I’m not saying it’s bad, per se,” Trixie was saying. “It’s just strange. And it could prove bloody inconvenient at some point.” She imitated Lucifer’s accent perfectly at that last bit.

“I see,” Lucifer said in that doubtful tone of voice that indicated that he did not, in fact, see.

Chloe pulled a ground pillow close and settled down on it, next to her husband and her daughter, gently pushing a wing out of the way to better snuggle in. “What’s inconvenient, Monkey?” Smiling, she accepted a glass from Lucifer, who raised his own in a silent toast.

“Everyone in my new school knows that Lucifer’s my step dad,” Trixie recapitulated for her mother’s benefit. “You know, the Devil. I’m the Devil’s adopted daughter.” She sighed. “It’s cool and all, but no one acts normally around me. I suspect that even the teachers are afraid of giving me bad grades.”

Lucifer’s blank expression did not change. “So?”

In contrast to Lucifer, Chloe could see how that might be a problem for her baby. Middle school was the next big step in her life, and all she wanted was to be normal. “Give it time, Monkey. They’ll forget about it soon, and then, they’ll accept you on your own merit.”

Trixie sighed again. “Your word in Granddad’s ear.”

“I don’t understand,” Lucifer finally voiced his confusion. “You will never be bullied in your new school. No one will even look at you funny. And you can be sure that any potential boyfriend - or girlfriend - who makes advances towards you will be genuine and serious. That’s good, isn’t it?”

“That’s just it.” She took her glass of fruit punch - non-alcoholic, to Lucifer’s disgust - and looked at it forlornly. “I think they’re afraid of me. Well, not of me, but of you. Of what you might do to them, if they do something to me, anything that I don’t like.”

“I see,” Lucifer said again, now sounding like he actually did. “Would it help if I paid your school a visit and talked to your teachers and classmates? Show them I’m a harmless Devil?” He turned to Chloe. “You could come along as my character reference, tell them I don’t lie?”

Chloe noticed Trixie’s skeptical expression. An entrance like this by her parents would probably do more harm than good. “Let’s keep that idea in reserve, yeah? If things don’t resolve by themselves, I mean,” she added when Trixie’s expression did not change.

There was a buzz as Chloe’s phone vibrated a notification. She picked it up to look at it. “Oh,” she said as she read the new text. “Montana preschool won’t take Nathaniel. He’s too advanced, apparently.” She scrolled down and rolled her eyes. “And they’re worried about him fitting in. I think that’s the real reason.”

Lucifer took a sip of his whisky, shrugging expansively.

“We want to send him to a normal school precisely so he can learn to fit in,” Chloe reminded him.

“I know.” Lucifer’s wing drew her closer to his body in a wing half-hug. “And I do hope that you’re right, and that he will learn.”

She knew her Devil well enough by now to spot the things he didn’t say. “But you’re not convinced.” Realization struck. “You went along with me on this whole sending Nathaniel to school thing. Again.”

He didn’t deny it.

Before he could elaborate, Trixie put in, “Mom, you can’t turn an angel into a human. Not even a half angel. They’re too different.” She put her hand into Lucifer’s plumage in demonstration. “Duh.”

Chloe sighed. “You’re both probably right, but him learning human ways can’t be wrong. Ephraim’s pretty well adjusted, all things considered.”

“Apart from his brief attempt at world domination,” Lucifer put in, reminding them all of the circumstances under which they had met the Nephilim.

“Which he deeply regrets and might have repeated if he hadn’t grown up among humans.”

“Or among Celestials teaching him about himself.”

She stared at him, considering. He wasn’t wrong. “Nathe will have all of that. Humans and Celestials. Anyway, it’s a moot point. Montana’s the last preschool in the area that we asked, and they all refused.”

“Send him to an elementary, then,” Trixie shrugged. “They at least can’t say that he’s too advanced.”

“Monkey, he’s only two. They’ll refuse him based on that.”

“Well, they’ll have to make up their minds, then. Either he’s too alien, then human rules shouldn’t apply to him, or he’s human enough, in which case they can’t refuse him for being too alien.”

There was a pause as Chloe reflected that this bit of pre-teen wisdom was actually pretty indisputable.

She craned her head to look at Lucifer. “Where is he, anyway?”

He peered into the mid-distance, eyes losing focus as he concentrated on the awareness he had of his son’s whereabouts. “Downstairs,” he finally said. “Probably trading blows with Maze. She came by earlier.” He noticed Chloe’s shocked face. “What?”

“Lucifer, he’s only two. Isn’t it a bit early for combat training?”

“All that angelic energy has to go somewhere,” the Devil returned with a healthy amount of paternal pride while proving that he had missed the point completely. “I remember what it was like. Besides, Maze can take it.”

This proved true a bit later, when they were all out on the terrace to have dinner, and Nathaniel actually was too exhausted to indulge in his usual shenanigans. Instead, the little half angel sat quietly on a ground cushion, cross legged, all his attention on his steady decimation of a bowl of mac-and-cheese. Seated next to him, Maze was talking to him sotto voce in-between bites off a baguette. From the occasional “press the advantage” and “running tackle”, Chloe gathered that she was giving him a post-combat-training debriefing.

She sighed. Clearly, neither celestials nor demons had a concept of what being a child meant.

“Right,” Maze finally said, apropos of nothing. “Gotta go. Plans.” She made a surprised face, reached into her skin-tight pants to extract a phone - Dad alone knew how it had fit in there -, peered at the display, and held it to her ear. “Okay, okay, I’m on my way, keep your pants on. Or don’t, whatever.”

She looked at the sea of expectant faces and waved her phone. “Remiel. We’ve, uh…”

“Got a date?” Lucifer finished her sentence, grinning broadly.

“No!” Maze said sharply. “It’s not a date! We’re hunting bounties together. She’s a natural.”

Lucifer didn’t stop grinning. “Still hot for angel, are you?”

“No!” She scowled. “She just… gets me. And she’s not as hoity-toity as the rest of them.”

“That’s great, Maze,” Chloe said before Lucifer could get another dig in. She had been a little worried about the demon, now surrounded by so many angels and humans. She had to be feeling a little lost now and then, so it was good to hear that she was forming new connections.

“Yeah, you can think what you like, I’m off,” Maze grumbled. “Bye, Bird Boy. Watch your right leg.”

Nathaniel looked up, chewing, and waved at her enthusiastically.

“Right leg?” Chloe echoed as Maze sauntered away. “Birdie, what’s wrong with your right leg?” She hadn’t noticed anything off about the way he walked.

“Noffing,” Nathaniel said through his mouthful of mac-and-cheese. “Fee?” He raised said leg out of his cross-legged position and wriggled his naked toes (convincing him to wear shoes was an even steeper uphill battle than to wear clothes, and Chloe had pretty much given in at this point). He swallowed, and added more clearly, “It’s about my cover. She can land blows on my right leg ‘cause I don’t cover it right.” A light of mischief entered his eyes, and Chloe could barely react when his wings emerged and the left one whipped forward to touch her own right leg while he elegantly moved his bowl of food out of the way, apparently not as exhausted as all that after all.

“Ow,” Chloe complained, mock-rubbing her leg and making the little Nephilim beam with joy.

Trixie, who had watched the proceedings while concentrating on her own food, grinned widely, put her bowl down, and probably would have tackled her half brother from behind - she’d also been learning moves from Maze, after all -, if God hadn’t chosen that moment to amble onto the terrace.

"Hello, My children," He said by way of greeting. "Hmm, is that cheesy noodles I smell?"

"You know it is, Dad," Lucifer said with that long-suffering tone of one who had an all-knowing being in one’s immediate family.

"Granddad!" Nathaniel yelled, barely putting down his bowl before launching himself into God's arms. Yep, officially back to being fully charged, the little energizer devil.

Chloe, meanwhile, gave Him a timid wave. She had somewhat gotten used by now to being married to and partnered with the Devil, but God... well. That would take a good while longer.

God fielded the fluttering ball of enthusiasm with all the ease of practice afforded by being the creator of thousands of winged beings, expertly catching his small grandson and cradling him against Himself with one arm. "You're still so little," He commented.

"I'm two!" Nathaniel protested, peering into God's eyes with childlike indignation. "I'm allowed to be little."

"He's bigger than I was at his age," Trixie put in, not even sounding half as awe-struck as Chloe felt. "Way bigger."

“Yet considerably smaller than your stepfather was,” God riposted.

"Don't tell me You're here for food, Dad," Lucifer said, neatly intercepting Trixie’s inevitable follow-up on that tidbit of information. "What's up? Unless it's another cosmic brawl, in which case, no thank you."

God sat down on a free ground cushion, never letting go of Nathaniel, who had wrapped his arms and wings close. "Can't a God just come over to spend time with His family?"

“Well, You’ve never done that before.” Lucifer’s face conveyed his disconcert. “Not in eons, anyway, so excuse me for being a little surprised.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” God said.

Lucifer stared, shook himself delicately, and smiled. “You know, this will never not be weird.”

“Imagine how I feel, Son.”

There was a strained pause that Chloe found herself trying to fill. “Anything to drink, uh, Father? We have wine. Good wine. And there should still be some fruit punch. And whisky, of course. Uh….”

“You’d make Me very happy with a small portion of your meal, My child,” God said, finally setting Nathaniel back down and stroking along his closed wings in a move that looked casual and well-practiced. “It smells delicious.”

“Sure!” She jumped to her feet, wishing she didn’t still feel so awkward around the Almighty.

“Couldn’t You just create some?” she heard Trixie ask as she went inside the house.

“Where would be the fun in that, Child?”

She came back out a few minutes later, a bowl of steaming mac-n-cheese plus cutlery in one hand, to the incongruous sight of God and the Devil singing “Blowing in the Wind” in perfect harmony while Trixie and Nathaniel listened, wide-eyed.

When they had finished, Lucifer sighed nostalgically. “I actually first learned this song with different words at a rather racy party. The only thing that was the same as the original was the word ‘blowing’. Took me a while and quite an hilarious experience at another kind of party to find out that that wasn’t how it really goes.”

God chuckled.

“Lucifer,” Chloe admonished her husband with a significant look at the children.

She was rewarded with an artfully innocent look. “What?”

“Again!” Nathaniel demanded. “I want to learn this song. Sing it again!”

With a smile, God took the bowl from Chloe. “Later, perhaps. Right now I’m eating. Thank you, My child.”

Chloe watched Him dig in. “So, how’s the new home?”

“It keeps the rain out,” God said, swallowing. “I must say, things have improved a lot since mud huts with thatched roofs. Electricity is a fantastic thing as well. Well done!”

Seeing as she couldn’t take credit for humanity discovering modern construction techniques or electricity, she opted to say nothing to that.

He smacked his lips. “Well done this, too. Delicious.”

This, at least, she could clarify. “Thank You, but Lucifer made it.”

“Really?” The Almighty turned half around to face His son. “One of these days, you’ll have to explain to Me how to handle the electric fireplace, My Son. Kitchen things have changed a bit since I last was down here. I had gotten quite adept with the parallel log cooking, if I do say so Myself. And barely five seconds later, lo and behold, no more open fire in the kitchen.” He frowned. “Just lots of... knobs.”

Lucifer opened his mouth, probably either to make an off-color joke involving knobs or to tell his Father to figure it out Himself, seeing as how He was all-knowing and all, but Chloe headed him off before he could do either of that. “You could make it a father-and-son dinner preparation, Luce.”

“Oooh,” Trixie interjected, “I can help! I know how to handle all sorts of stoves.”

“I’ll help, too!” Nathaniel piped up, not wanting to be left out. “And then, we can sing the blowing song.” 

Lucifer made an explosive exhale, conceding defeat. “Fine, Spawn. We’ll help God Almighty figure out His kitchen.”

Chloe gave him a grateful smile that he returned with that slightly confused, loving way he had.

Behind his back, Trixie and Nathaniel high-fived.


End file.
